Gossip Communist Archives
 

  9/08/02

Knick Knack Paddy Whack,
Give Your Girl A Bone

Hello once again, faithful SJ.comers. I bet you thought you'd heard the last of me, didn't you? It just so happens that I took a long vacation. Well, not by choice. Let me just give you all a piece of advice; if you ever get the chance to travel to Australia, please do, but tread lightly on the subject of beer. I made the mistake of calling their beloved Foster's a "giant mug of frothy antelope piss." (Fawstah's. Austrahlyan fah piss.)  It wasn't pretty. Long story short, I finally managed to gnaw through my restraints and return to my Land of the Free. God bless you, America.

Now let's discuss the recent gossip surrounding Stephan, because I need something to take my mind off the pain which comes every time I see a commercial for the Crocodile Hunter.

Reports from fans and critics alike about the current tour have been nothing short of exceptional, and the band's joy joy when it comes their joy seems to be at an all-time high. I heard Brad is having a good time, causing all kinds of rowdy chaos in the long midnight hours. Hook a sistah up, I want to party with him.

This next bit is old news for everyone, but remember - my best friends for the past half year have been dingoes. Stephan has found love with tour mate Vanessa Carlton. Rumors started swirling like the water in a toilet bowl when gossip mags (those disgraceful things) reported that teetering-on-the-edge-of 38 year old Stephan gave just-turned 22 Vanessa an authentic made-famous-by-JT-Leroy raccoon penis bone necklace and she thanked him with a blanket of kisses. Of course everyone knew there was something more going on between them when she didn't slap his face for being a dirty pervert (come on, why else would you give someone raccoon schlong?).

This rumor has since been confirmed, and I can only wish the happy new couple the best of luck and success. I think Vanessa is pretty and talented, and fuck, anyone who can fall into the sky is cool with me. I'm just cringing at the thought of her calling him 'Daddy.' Toot toot, everyone get on the creepy train! I wonder if Van realizes she's dating a guy who was around when "Paint It Black" was first released. Their age difference is that of the average Third Eye Blind fan. Steve-o, you're luckier than a leprechaun! Treat her well.

Speaking of treating well, what does it take for us to get this album? I guess Stephan would rather play kissy-face with his hot young thang than finish the album for his devoted fans. It's getting a little more than ridiculous when the release date changes more frequently than Diana Ross's clothes in concert. Therefore, I will make this proclamation: I, Commie, hereby volunteer to embarrass and degrade myself by standing atop the Empire State Building and shouting to everyone that "STEPHAN IS MY DADDY" if that will get SJ to pick up the pen and write some darn lyrics.

Will Make Ass of Myself for Album.
xoxo Commie

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Opinions expressed in the GOSSIP column do not necessarily reflect those opinions of Jen and SJ.com.


03/18/02

Stick It To Us Gently...

For when you decide to fuck us over again! 

With Stephan's recent email to Jen (my personal goddess, and she knows it), there has been much fervor
about the mention of a possible double album. Let me reiterate... possible. Lest we forget about the countless other promises Stephan has made and consequently broken? In case you've drawn a blank, I've made up a list of times we have been screwed like a feisty poodle bitch in heat.

Let's start with the overseas tour that was to accompany the release of Blue. In a chat with the apparently now-defunct Cahoots, Stephan expressed a deep desire to tour India, which was, I suppose, only a desire, since that never happened. I, for one, would quite enjoy watching him play to a crowd of emaciated Ben Kingsleys.

It was also about this time that plans were first announced for an EP to be released on their own label, which would contain the unedited Slow Motion. This EP was part of the deal with Elektra, so I wouldn't count this one out yet. If you've heard the titles "Black" or "Symphony of Decay" being thrown around, they were possible titles for the record, not, contrary to popular opinion, the current state of the band's apparent feelings on their musical obligations to the fans, cough ahem.

Probably the most anticipated of all unfulfilled promises would be the live album with matching DVD. The footage to be used was filmed at the last show of the Red Summer Sun tour, two years ago, but was never
released. This I don't understand, since all that was required on their part was to pay an editor to splice
the film together into a nice little DVD.

Unfortunately, now it's too late to release a DVD with that footage, considering the drastic change in all
members' hair lengths/colors.  However, I do strongly feel that a DVD will be on the way, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow...

Other promises:

  • 3eb fans in a 3eb video
  • A Secret Fan Show
  • Billy Idol Collaboration
  • Paul McCartney Tribute
  • Record of Cover Songs
  • Rock Star Soundtrack
  • Tony's Guitar Lessons
  • Fan Section on 3eb.com
  • Jen and Wooby Studio Tour

My advice for Stephan and the gang? Release the album in July and go on tour (this may be a good time to hit
the neglected countries, i.e., England, Canada, Finland, Singapore... those pesky fans are getting restless). Hire an experienced film crew/one guy with good camera skills. Record a few shows, and constantly videotape your off-stage antics, a "day in the life of 3eb," if you will. Now you have footage for a DVD release, and audio for a live album, which can be released at any time because it will require no effort on your part. You can double your vacation time if you have this in the can already, and just release it at a point when fans are starting to crave more fresh blood. While we're still busying ourselves with the live goodies, you can go into the studio and record your long-awaited EP.

My patience wears thin like a bad comb-over. xoxo Commie


02/14/02

And the Studio Name Is...

With the Tech TV interview and studio unveiling still fresh in our minds (well, those of us who receive the obscure channel), many of us are still left wondering... "Just what in the hell is a teen fantasy?" Well, you tell me.

For some of us, it's finding the one person who you could spend the rest of your life with, eternal bliss. For others, it's moving out of your parents' nest and finding your place in life. And for Stephan, that fantasy was to become a rock star and have his own studio. And to have a night of hot, lusty sex with one Britney Spears and her bonny round thighs. Hell, two out of three ain't bad.

So, after months, and more probably, years, in the making, Third Eye Blind's own studio is finally open for business. It appears to have all the essential elements - instruments, mics, mixing board, Playstation2... Hey, even rock stars need their VG time-outs.

But Stephan, what is this? You give Tech TV first crack at a studio tour before you invite Jen and Wooby
to scope out the place and give the fans a more interpersonal low-down? Are you wanting me to lay the smack down?

On a different note (I'm thinking C sharp?), Happy Valentine's Day to all you icky love birds out there, I guess. I'm happy to announce that Stephan has found his love with Captain Ahab. (Did they meet at the gym?) And in case you were wondering what Charlize has been up to...

She and her new beau spent the day cuddling - her hand up his butt. (Get your panties out of a wad - it's a puppet. You know, you have to put your hand in... nevermind.)

Love stinks. Take a bath, Cupid.
xoxo Commie


01/29/01

I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie!

With Stephan venturing to Paris for "inspiration," one can only wonder what his real motives were for ditching his bandmates in exchange for indulgence of cheese, wine, and the occasional loaf of crusty bread.

He arrived right in time for "Fashion Week," AKA "Look At Our Pallid Models Parade Their Bony Asses Around In Circles While Clad In The Ugliest Yet Most Expensive Clothes You Will Never See Worn By Actual People In Real Life."

It's quite obvious Stephan didn't travel halfway around the globe to check out Dolce & Gabbana's hot
new Spring line. He was overcome by raw, primal urge, with animalistic intentions, Freudian thoughts
galloping through his brain... He wanted to bag himself a hairy French chick. And who can blame him? I heard on no authority that Marky Mark walked past a nude beach and thought he was on the set of the sequel to Planet of the Apes: Attack of the Horny Monkeys. I'm told Charlton Heston is all over it.

As for Stephan, I hope he found his inspiration in Gay Paree, as Jen calls it, (and its female inhabitants), and is now ready to concentrate on recording the much anticipated album in his City By The Gay. Hey, are we sensing a trend here? I think so. Stephan is damn, uh, happy!

By the way, Steve-o, is it really true about the girls in France and their paper underpants? And do they really not shave their underarms and legs? EWEWEW!

I wish I had a sexy beret,
xoxo Commie


01/19/01

What's Next, Porn?

With a wee bit part in last year's Rock Star, another movie, "Angelic Tuesday" in production, and a guest spot on last week's "The Chris Isaak Show," it looks like Stephan has finally squeezed his way into that elite group of singers-slash-actors; Jon Bon Jovi, Aaliyah, Madonna... Mariah Carey?

Don't dream the impossible, Steve-o.

There have been many debates about Stephan's decision to try on a pair of acting boots and kick some ass; some people think that it's a great idea and that he's a brilliant actor, and then there are the people who have only their Third Eye blind. Calling Stephan's attempts at "acting" a good idea is like being on the Titanic and saying, "hey, don't worry, it's just a scratch." Another similarity of Steve and the Titanic is their fondess of "going down," if ya get what I'm sayin'... Yet I digress.

Thank God he's only doing it as a hobby.

Stephan's acting performance in The Chris Isaak Show appeared awkward, with Stephan looking uncharacteristically unsure of himself and out of place. His musical performance, however, a duet with the show's namesake, was nothing short of spectacular, and was obviously the highlight of the show. Except for the naked mermaid, I'm sure. Since Stephan was playing himself (fight the urge to add unnecessary prepositions, Commie),  his acting is excusable. Although I'm quite sure he forged his mommy's signature on that note. He was just trying to stay "in character," as was evident in his initial dialogue with Isaak, incorporating his natural habit of embellishment: "How much are you benching now?" "Two... three hundred. You?" "Four." Now let's pretend they were discussing music... "So Chris, when's your new album coming out?" "February. You?" "Tomorrow." It's nice to see some things don't change.

So, in conclusion, I say it's nice that we get to see a different side of Stephan, but he should really stick to what he does best. Unfortunately, there is no pay in Executive Booger Flicker, so he'll just have to keep his job with Third Eye Blind. Priorities,
Stephan, priorities.

Hell, but we still love ya! I'd do him.

I'm going to hell and I'm taking you with me.
<3 Commie

PS: From Rock Star to Cock Star!


12/21/01

That is a joke.  No album, still. 

I know you were all disappointed to hear that 3eb canceled their appearance at the benefit concert a few weeks ago, thus demolishing an entire night of fund raising. Not that anyone's pointing any fingers... but
I pretended I spoke with the band, and these are their very valid reasons they probably would have told me.

It seems that they all had previously made plans for that night, which had all vanished completely from their minds until two nights before the show. Brad had signed up for an ancient African tribal drum beating seminar in Zimbabwe. He had already purchased his plane ticket and buffalo skin chaps, and he wouldn't have been able to get his deposit back. He said it was a learning experience, especially because he learned he was allergic to the tribal war paint that adorned his face. But the rash has finally subsided, and he's
feeling good.
Tony had a court date regarding his drug bust a few months back... the charge? Possession of Yohimbe with
intent to sell. The judge took one look at the Monk's trademark bleached spiked hair and furry pimp coat and
held him in contempt of court. Tony spent the night in a minimum security prison, and made special friends
with a guy named Tiny. They will keep in touch.
Arion was at his home in SF, practicing the bass line for "Crystal Baller" when, like a freaky instrumental mating call, Wooby showed up at his door with a whip in her hand and a grin on her face. Arion spent that night tied up and gagged in Wooby's basement, aka
Chamber Of Sexual Wrongness. Arion came out of it a little sore and forever branded with a bright red "W" on his ass, but other than that, he said it was a pleasurable experience. Wooby, call him.
As for Stephan, he was all ready to do the benefit, until he discovered a rash in an undisclosed location somewhere on his person. Struck by the Alanis-like irony, he decided to get himself checked out at the very same free clinic the concert was to benefit. He walked in and sat down in the waiting room with a few
other strange looking patients, and was finally led into an examining room by a very muscular looking lady with a five o'clock shadow. The room was dusty and filled with cardboard boxes, but he thought nothing of it until the doctor treated his ailment with prescription for a big bag of crack. That's when Stephan realized that this wasn't the free clinic, but a crack house! And those weren't nurses, they were crack fiends! He must of had the wrong address!!!

In a state of mass confusion on all parts by all guys, they decided to cancel the show. And that rash? It appears Stephan is allergic to that same face paint as well.

Personally, I'm happy they canceled because I am Communist and I couldn't see the show from NYC. So TAKE THAT, West Coast fans!

Love and sloppy kisses
--Commie


11/08/01
Now Calling Sally Struthers!

Stephan's looking a little skinny these days. How skinny? Let's just say he went trick-or-treating on Halloween, and people mistook him for Calista Flockhart, Stickfigure Extraordinaire. "We love you,
Ally!" some gushed. "Eat something, you skinny bitch," more said. Still others inquired about Robert Downey, Jr.'s drug addiction, and asked if that was really him singing in that funny video. Sadly, Stephan had to disappoint them all by saying he really had no connections with Robin Williams, and to his knowledge,
he wasn't gay (remember, about five years ago? Birdcage? He was... nevermind).

Before After

Much to MY surprise, a fan in San Francisco named Daniel informed me that he sat next to Stephan this past Saturday night at the Maya Restaurant.  The good news is that Stephan WAS EATING! HipHipHurray!  Unfortunately, Stephan did leave quite a bit on his plate that went to waste.  Steph, didn't your momma teach you that there are STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA?!  Hell, maybe even Char told you since like SHE SAW FIRST HAND.  Don't make me resort to using your fork as an airplane coming towards your mouth!

But, seriously, Stephan's weight has drastically decreased, and I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't recognize this as
the biggest case of irony I've seen in awhile. I'm sure Rob Thomas would love to get in on this, but he's busy changing the spelling of his band's name again
(sources say he's now contemplating "Matchbox XVIIII). The new waifish figure Stephan's now sporting was first largely (or not so large, considering) noticed on the recent cover of San Francisco magazine, but was discounted to bad lighting
and worse camera angles. It was much more evident at Breathe, when a number of fans, shocked and strangely hungry for spare ribs, commented on "chub-less
Stephan."

Hey Steve-o, maybe next year's show could be called EAT.

I can only please one person at a time, unless I use both hands.  --Commie


Study Reveals:  
Pigs Love Third Eye Blind

Nothing gossip-worthy on the 3eb front this week, which is probably the way it will be for a while... unless one of the guys is caught harassing small schoolchildren in a yellow duck suit with the ass cut out... "PUPPIES AND CANDY AWAIT ALL WHO FOLLOW ME TO MY POND!" Hmm. Nice mental image.  But, until that happens, you're stuck with this:

As we all know, the band is diligently recording their album in "The Studio That A Big Fat Advance Built," in
funky San Francisco. However, they do take some time off to do select shows for the fans, premiering new material and bringing back old favorites, much to the delight of these lucky fans. 

"But Commie," you may say, "I haven't seen any of these shows!" Well then, you probably live on the East Coast, where they have not played a concert since March. There are many good arguments as to why this is, the main reason being they live all the way on the other side of the country. Can't they take off a week from recording just to please their loyal, die-hard, faithful (and many other synonyms for devoted fans 3,000 miles away)? It wouldn't bother me half as much if they played radio shows, or similar concerts in which other musicians would also be performing, where the audience would be of a kind that are appreciative of their sweaty efforts. But unfortunately, that is not the way it is. 

Their recent shows have been either Bumfuck, USA county fairs or grand prix-- not exactly what I would call dedicated fan havens. The problem I have is this: the bulk of the people going to the fairs or the prix (yes, that's plural) are rednecks (including Jen) who like fast cars and whirly rides. They're not there to hear the band, let alone know who they are, but they sit there and watch because it was free and there's an intermission on the raceway or the pig judging contest is over. So while Farmer Bob is scratching his potbelly though his grit-stained overalls with the one missing strap, our favorite band is on stage giving it 110% like always, and playing new material. It angers me that these hillbilly hicks get to hear brand-spanking new songs like "Invisible" before some fans who are unfortunate enough to have no control over the geographical location where they reside do, and they could care less. I know the band isn't doing this purposely, it's just one of those right time/right place things, but still... the East Coast can't help but think that the West Coast is being favored, and we're just bitter. 

And this wasn't that funny, but I just wanted to make a point. And now you may pelt me with bricks.

Fear the wrath of my chocolate bunny!
   -- Commie, who lives on the East Coast


10/7/01  HEYYYYYY WILBURRRRRRR!

So, it's been rumored that Stephan's new chicklet is Amanda De Cadenet, who was seen with him at his birthday bash a couple of weeks ago. If this name sounds familiar to you, which it probably doesn't, it's because Miss De Cadenet was married to one-time Duran Duran bassist, John Taylor, and more recently linked to Keanu Reeves say it with me now... Keeeaaaahhhhnuuu. Plus, In 1993 I think it was, she went to the Oscars with Courtney Love and they were a lil...yanno....friendly friendly with each other - wore tiaras and stuff.

She looks like a cross between Jeri Ryan, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, and Courtney Love. Pudgy Courtney. 

It's not known for sure whether or not Amanda is actually hot and heavy with our boy, but I can certainly understand if she was. Stephan's revealed his love for curves, and this girl's got 'em (actually, they look more like U-Turns, but if that's the way Stephan likes to get down, I'm not one to judge). And she's got that Mick Jagger/Steven Tyler mouth going on...

No offense to Miss De Cadenet, who also has a daughter named after the capital of Georgia (who in their right mind would name their child after a city? Honestly. Spice Girls excluded, for obvious reasons), but any woman who comes after Charlize is such a step down, Stephan might tear a hamstring. Or maybe that's just the jealousy talking.

Oh well. I read at IMDb that she was a photographer for a little bit... yeah, she took pictures of naked women. A respectable career. So...she's got a thing for rock stars, a mediocre movie career (some of her characters: "English Prisoner," "Receptionist #2," and my personal favorite -- "Hooker #2")... not to mention she's British. That probably says some things right there.

Stephan, baby.  I've got a few words of advice for you.  "Walk on baby, walk on."

Rash and itching should be taken very seriously. Consult your doctor.  xoxo G.C.


Your Momma! Archives


5/20/01

Arion is so fi-on fightin' the bad guys!

Word on the streets is that Arion has a small cameo appearance in the Matrix 2, which is currently being filmed in Oakland, CA. We're anxious to hear about Arion kickin' some Agent booty.  Arion's so nice he'd probably kick an Agent's ass then spend the next hour bandaging them.  Meanwhile, the director's yelling "CUT! CUT! That's not in the script!"    

Hey, Arion, drop me a line, sweetie. Oh and give Keanu a big sugar for me - but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't invite his band to play with 3eb. Trust me!

If any of you kids have any gossip for me to look into, gimme a holla at yourmomma@stephanjenkins.com

~ Nobody loves ya more than Your Momma XOXO


5/6/01

I wish my hand was a cigarette...

thanks to DalvasWounded.com for this pic!

Well, howdy-doo there kids.  I'm the newest contributor on this here site and my name is "Your Momma."  Well, that's not my birth name or anything silly like that, but in order to give you the low down on 3eb I have to stay hidden amongst the fans, the pedestrians of 3eb music, lurking in the shadows on the lookout for scoop.  So rise up and gimme a BIG welcome.  Thanks!  Now, on to the gossip!

Saturday night in Ferndale, MI at the "private show" (that our tips got so many of you into) Stephan was seen SMOKING American Stripe cigarettes.  Cigarettes are EVIL!  That's sure isn't gonna help that voice Mr. Jenkins!  

Well, back to 3eb.  Stephan announced to fans last night that 3eb will be "disappearing for a year" to go hide out and make new music.  Now, is it just me or did this JUST happen during 1999?  Talk about "Losing A(nother) Whole Year."  That would just, well, SUCK.  Haven't those boys ever heard of multi-tasking?  

Oh and word is Stephan threw a temper tantrum at the Airport Marriot in Detroit last night when the folks in the hotel cafeteria couldn't make him a chicken quesadilla.  So much for Cinco de Mayo spirit!  You tell em, thephan!

So, I'll get back to work now but if any of you kids have any gossip for me to look into, gimme a holla at yourmomma@stephanjenkins.com

~ Nobody loves ya more than Your Momma XOXO

Thanks to Amy for the above lead.